Failure

If you've been following this blog, you probably know that I ran the Austin Marathon on Sunday and maybe you've been wondering why you haven't heard any more about it.  You may also know that my training went really, really well.  Like me, you probably expected big things.  If so, you'd be very, very disappointed.  I had the absolute worst race ever.  During my lowest low points, I felt like a total failure.  But, even then, I'd tell myself that someone who has run three marathons can not be a failure.  This would be followed by other very negative thoughts - that I really can't consider myself an athlete at all, that I don't deserve to run marathons, that I'm never going to even bother to run ever again.  Of course, with some perspective, I realize that none of these things are true.

So, what happened?  I'm still not entirely sure.  The only thing that I can come up with is that the heat got to me and resulted in severe dehydration.  I was on pace the whole way up until around the 20 mile point.  At around 15 miles, I had a bathroom stop where I emptied my colon and hoped that that would be the end of it.  However, around 20 miles, it hit again and I was forced to visit another port-a-potty.  From that point on, I couldn't run more than a quarter mile without having to stop and walk just to try to get my tummy settled again.  Those last six miles were long, hot, depressing and painful.  I watched the 4:30 pace group go by...  then the 4:45...  then the 5:00!!!  That's right, the FIVE HOUR group passed me.  When I ran the Portland Marathon, my first, I finished in under five hours and was diagnosed with a stress fracture the following week.  At Austin, my bowels and the heat somehow forced me into my worst ever finish.  Devastating.  

I'm not used to failing - in any aspect of my life.  This has been a tough couple of days filled with reflection and self-soothing.  I know this doesn't mark the end of my running career.  It does mean, however, that I'm going to play around with electrolytes in my training since taking them on this run might have prevented the wheels flying off this bus.  I had days of vibrant urine, headaches, muscle aches and feeling pretty worn down - all of which lead me to believe that I was too dehydrated.  I finally got past it with a full day of taking an Advil and an electrolyte pill every four or so hours along with GALLONS of water.  

I hope that I learn a good lesson from this race - even if that lesson is just that I am capable of both falling on my face and dusting myself back off so I can get back in the game.  I'm taking most of this week off and planning a 12 mile-ish run for Saturday.  I have a six week plan sketched out...  hopefully I can redeem my battered pride on the Vernonia Marathon course!